"A new 400-page report released Monday by the Pew Research Center confirmed that everyone—absolutely everyone—other than you is starting new, exciting phases of their lives and careers. 'Our results indicate that those around you are all turning a new leaf, moving forward to face a fresh challenge, and embarking on periods of immense personal and professional growth, while you on the other hand are in a phase of total stagnation, if not regression,' said head researcher."
- The Onion, "Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You"
